"President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing." --Jon Stewart
"The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner." --Jon Stewart, hosting the Academy Awards
"I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her." --Jon Stewart, at the Academy Awards
"Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces." --Jon Stewart, at the Academy Awards
"A lot of people say that this town is too liberal, out of touch with mainstream America, an atheistic pleasure dome, a modern-day, beachfront Sodom and Gomorrah, a moral black hole where innocence is obliterated in an endless orgy of sexual gratification and greed. I don't really have a joke here. I just thought you should know a lot of people are saying that." --Jon Stewart, on Hollywood
"Do you think that if we all got together and pulled this down, democracy would flourish in Hollywood?" --Jon Stewart, on the giant Oscar statue in the Kodak Theater, likening it to the statue of Saddam Hussein pulled down after the fall of Baghdad in 2003
"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'" --Jon Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered
"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart
"Moms and dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: don't let your kids go hunting with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- he'll shoot them in the face." --Jon Stewart
"The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries." --Jon Stewart
"Inspiring developments -- Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first time of parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh, it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff." --Jon Stewart
"Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do." --Jon Stewart, on Bill O'Reilly's objection to "Happy Holidays"
"All in all, 16 Texas oil refineries remain shut down after the storms. Analysts say it's the worst thing to happen to the Texas oil industry since George W. Bush worked in it." --Jon Stewart, on the aftermath of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita
"This is inarguably a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government. Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky. That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina." --Jon Stewart (Read a transcript or watch video of Stewart's remarks)
"Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people." --Jon Stewart
[Clip of President Bush addressing national guardsmen in Idaho]: "Nineteen individuals have served both as guardsmen and as president of the United States, and I'm proud to have been one."
"Ah, the first rule of public speaking -- always start with a joke." --Jon Stewart
"You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden." --Jon Stewart
"He keeps saying 'sacrifice' and the 'war on terror,' and you turn around and he's in a field of poppies with Lance Armstrong." --Jon Stewart, on President Bush's vacation
"Even if the flag burning amendment does become law, the larger problem will remain of how to respectfully dispose of older, tattered flags. Well, fortunately the U.S. official Flag Code has a suggestion about this. Quote: 'The flag, when it is in such a condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem of display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.' Owwwwcchh. In response, the House Republicans are calling for tattered flags to be kept alive via a feeding tube." --Jon Stewart
"Last week, CIA head Porter Goss said, 'The jobs I'm being asked to do... are too much for this mortal. I'm a little amazed at the workload.' He continued, 'I guess I always thought the job of overseeing American intelligence would be more Maytag Repairman-y.'" --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)
"Bush finally got to the real reason for the trip -- give us money for Iraq. ... It's the Bush version of the Pottery Barn rule -- we broke it, you bought it." --Jon Stewart, on Bush's European tour
"Bush spoke of the diplomatic progress he was making with Europe. [Clip of Bush: 'When we talk about Iran that's a place that I am getting good advice from European partners.'] Ohhh good advice? What did you learned from your European partners. [Clip of Bush: 'Iran is not Iraq.'] Although they do sound very similar. Are you sure you bombed the right one?" --Jon Stewart
"Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States." --Jon Stewart on North Korea's nuclear weapons program
"President Bush asked Congress yesterday for an additional $82 billion in emergency spending for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If granted, it would put the cost of the war in Iraq at about $200 billion, which I believe is around exactly what they told us the war would cost when they started the war two years ago. [Clip of USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios: 'The American part of this will be $1.7 billion. We have no plans for any further funding on this. ... In terms of the American tax payer contributions this is it for the U.S.'] Well, to be fair, 2003 dollars, if you adjust it for inflation, it is only $198 billion off, with a margin of error of we have no idea what we are doing." --Jon Stewart
"This past weekend, the Democratic National Committee made it official -- electing former governor and one-time shoe-in Howard Dean as their new party chairman. As a doctor they're hoping he can reattach the ass handed to the Democrats in the past election. ... You know, there's something stirring about the peaceful transfer of no power." --Jon Stewart
"Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria." --Jon Stewart
"Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office." --Jon Stewart
"What happened was -- and, again, this is something I haven't shared with anybody. I should explain myself. I'm on steroids, and one of the side effects is called roid rage. The side effects have been awful. I have terrible back acne, shriveled genitalia. What I didn't realize is when you take steroids, you're supposed to work out. I've just been taking them. So it's causing that kind of anger. I remember going on the 'Crossfire' set and saying hello to the host, and then waking up naked with my ass cheeks taped together on Connecticut Avenue. So I don't really know what happened." --"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart, on his controversial interview on "Crossfire"
Jon Stewart: "Will Rumsfeld take personal responsibility for this problem? Clip: Rumsfeld: "I talked to the General coming out here about the pace at which the vehicles are being armored and it is essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money or on the part of the Army of desire. It is a matter of production and capability to do it."] Stewart: A matter of...physics. Don't you soldiers driving with no armor get it? Mass times velocity squared equals force. Damn you Einstein! Rumsfeld quickly moved from physics to philosophy. Clip: Rumsfeld: "You go to war with the Army you have not the Army you might want or wish to have." Stewart: "Actually they go to war, the Army. You fly in occasionally."
"They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?" --Jon Stewart
"It is right now 10:04 on the East Coast. We are here at Prelude to a Recount. We are seeing record turnout across the nation on this election day, certainly a momentous occasion. The closest election that we have seen in ... about 4 years quite frankly. It's pretty much the same thing as last time. ... Except this time the world is watching, and, quite frankly, in Iraq tonight they're going, you invaded us to bring us this?" --Jon Stewart
"It's as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.'" --Jon Stewart, on President Bush
"On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired." --Jon Stewart, endorsing Sen. John Kerry, sort of
